Immortal Louge

Nyx

ImmortalDaniél — Tue, 05 Oct 2021 02:02:44 GMT

Nyx

ImmortalDaniél — Tue, 05 Oct 2021 00:50:54 GMT

ok now they pissed me off

ImmortalDaniél — Mon, 04 Oct 2021 17:48:26 GMT

the apartment will not be ready until next month. I am trying to go to las vegas for the month because it sucks being here. I have been doing a lot of work on the self. I have put together a dodecagon to build structure and given myself 12 points of commitments to achieve every year. there are 12 months witch fits into the dodecagon nicely.

I figure I am a leader because it is one of the only ways to understand why I am able to get sober and hopefully stay sober out of a lot of other people, specially my family. none of them are sober, NONE ! Here in treatment I am the only one who doesn't think going back to my lifestyle is a good idea. I walk and self talk to get threw to myself what I MUST do.

so they are (letting)( i hate that part) me go to Las vegas for 3 weeks. Its good because I'm done with this place, in more ways then one. but what will i do with my mom for 3 weeks. she's a piece of work herself. she smokes weed and it makes her very unstable. I told my dad I will be there but I don't plan on seeing him. I'm sure he is only thinking a car is what I am after, but he is wrong. Iwant him to stop hurting me. I can not tak hima nd my mom and my mom is (to be real) giving me mom money when she dies. I know thats bad but at least I am telling the truth.

so self talk is really coming threw for me. I have learned about staying in my own head to much with AA meetings, the soul maybe being real as the emotions, and feelings, darkness being apart of everyones life, and over coming it with being THE GODESS OF DARKNESS ( i like that one a lot), and a whole lot more.

I'm sitting here with this weak ass coffee trying to figure my time.

So thats enough for now.

another day

ImmortalDaniél — Fri, 01 Oct 2021 17:14:27 GMT

I have another day to fill. It's not the women, it's not the place, it's the freedom. I gotta get outta here. I know I'm going to be board in my apartment. I know I am. So being board now is something I have to deal with. But I can walk out side and I won't have some staff babysitting me. I'll write more later.

The Magic Sticks

ImmortalDaniél — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 18:54:30 GMT

So in here (house arrest) we are not aloud to have some items such as coffee, drugs, and alcohol. me and a few other girls sneak in fat burners. We call them magic sticks so we can talk about them and pass them to each other. I take about 2 a day to help me stay up threw the day. We also sneak a jar of coffee in, in a decaf bottle. So far we haven't been caught. And nobody reads my blogs anyway so I figured it was a safe place to get it out.

They say when you hold shit in thats when it goes bad. So I'm venting and I feel better. Any way me and Ambre (her name is pronounced Amber) took 3. We just tried a 30 minute work out. But because we both smoke we only made it to 10 minutes. Ok I just threw up. I through up almost everyday. I'm sure it's because of the magic sticks...They mix with my meds (thats a whole nother blog) and make me toss chunks. Any way just need something to do.

peace.

I'm possible

ImmortalDaniél — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 20:24:24 GMT

staying sober is going to take a lot of work. At least I have my mind made up. I just like the feeling of being drunk, but the good news is I'm starting to like being sober. to hard to type today. I just got my nails done, but thanks foe checking in. peace.

one item

ImmortalDaniél — Mon, 20 Sep 2021 19:20:11 GMT

so they say another way to do this online website is to focus on just One item. so It put me $150 in the whole to reopen my store and I did. And I kind of did by mistake. I went to open my store and they charged my card. Sucks but I love the idea of having my own business. It's going to cost me about $200 total. fucked like always.

My eyes always bug me. Like I already told you, I wrote letters to my family trying to clear things up, the did not go well. On another note I have figured out a few things to do when I get to long beach. Meetings and volinteering in the lgbtq community. going to AA meetings. I have a few hotlines that i can call.

Here is the plan It's going to take about 5 years to get my apartment where I want it to be. I figure next month I'll by some big but non-expenisve items about $50 dollars. Then to handle my food I'll by appitite surpressents, and a load of top ramen. Its at least a plan - Right?

I don't know about keeping intouch with some of the women here. I understand we are being rehabilitated. But a lot of them say they are going back to drinking and druging after they finish this program. I have only seen One out of about 40 to 50 people who looked like she really changed. She had a son and even tough she showed mental health issues and went back to live with her mother she worked to get her son. She didn't look sorry for why she was here but she really did a lot to keep and get her son back. She was the only person who looked like this place did change her.

I don't feel all that changed. I've done a lot because of my grandmothers money. But I have stayed sober, for about 1 year and 8 months and I have worked on my dept, and my income. But for the most part I have only "planted seeds" that what I call it, to keep my life together and my ass out of trouble. I look at the other girls and kind of say "get it trough in your head, because thats not it" "you can't be like them. Eating all the time, sleeping all the time, talking shit all the time. I haven't felt any of the women who want to keep in. touch with me are really worth it.

I don't know its just how I feel.

It is kind of the reason I don't want to go to AA. They failed, once and some of them are going to fail again. I don't want to risk my growth around some one who might fail.

i've made a glorious mess of things

ImmortalDaniél — Thu, 16 Sep 2021 20:46:12 GMT

I tried to talk to my family about my sobriety it id not go well. Well my sister and I are the worst. I've blocked all most all of my dads side for telling this lie. I don't know if its the lie or the label of some crazy person that is really hurting the most. I tried to explain it to my sister. If you call me crazy i believe it if you don't I dont here it so I i don't believe it. Know what I mean.

I'm like some black sheep when they drink and have anger problems, codepentdent issues the who nine. I just get tried of it. I get tired of defending my life and mental heath to a bunch of disfuctional people. They are perfect, but they compare themselves to me to make themselves feel better and it puts me down. Maybe after being sober longer I will know how to say what it is I am trying to say.

On to finding things to do in my new neigerborhood. I've assured that I will be moving at the end of the month. I'm looking for things to do... I can do this!

It's my Birthday

ImmortalDaniél — Tue, 14 Sep 2021 18:40:26 GMT

Wow, today is my birthday and boy do I feel special. See I live in a treatment house for now (I'm getting my new place in two weeks) and I never would have thought that the women here could be so nice to me. Likewise on facebook I've received some really nice birthday wishes.

You see we are forced to live here together. We don't have a choice. Its a two year rehab program, after which we get our own apartments to start our new lives. We are lucky. The lucky ones who are being saved from the problems of life that maybe we didn't even cause. Some people get into trouble and never get the chance we are getting.

So... like I said we are here together not by our own will, and heres the rub, we like each other. This really makes me feel good, because besides having to live with me, they also went out of there way to show me a really nice birthday. I wish you could see this place. Let me try to explain it. In one conner there is bubble sparkling cider with candy jars. In another conner, there is lay's and more candy baskets with sunglasses and beach balls. In the center there is ton's, I mean ton's of balloons. With the gift's also in the center. Later today one of the women, Amber is taking me out to get my nails and feet done.

Right now they have to work out. I'm done with the program so I am not required to do anymore group activities. It's kind of nice when your done.

And were not stopping here. Next April the women here, some will still be here, it is a 2 year program, are going to help me with my sologamy wedding. I'm so excited. I'll keep you posted.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Go down

ImmortalDaniél — Sat, 11 Sep 2021 02:37:32 GMT

Be down for your girl. Its like a drama period. Get it period. Yeah I just got my period and always before I get my period I have drama. ok this is stupid. But it's all I go. I feel so OMG right now. there are no words. I should be getting my place in about 3 weeks. I don't know what I'm doing with this sober shit. I just know I'M STAYING SOBER and trying to stay sober. I'll do anything to stay sober because I think drugs and alcohol have be the reason my life is messed up. It started with pills. When I was 12 I was pushed face first into a three. I started getting really bad headachs and had to take pills for them. I watched my mom take pills and I because confused about taking pills. The headachs were really bad and the medicaine I was given wasn't working so I would go into my moms room and take hand fulls of her pills. I wouldn't swollow them. I would take them into my room and take them a few at a time. But I noticed I felt diffferent. I was about 14 when I begain my first addiction to pain pills.by 16 I was fucked! I had fights, secrets, and sucide attempts. Stealing was the next drug that actually started when I was about 12 too. But in my late teens after a sucided attempt, hospitization, frist job and new school I really started stealing. I would steal form my jobs and all over the mall. Lucky I guess I never go caught for it. So in my early 20's. about 19 to 20, I started drugs. I had, had a little pot in my late teens and a little alcohol but at a adult 18 and over I was ready for drugs. I had a lot of LSD, pot, extascy, and of course drinks when I could. When I turned 21 my father took me to the bar he went to when I would get off from work. I got so drunk. I'll never for get that night. the morbid memory I even have of it.

Its funny because now I take pills for life. I'm on prescription meds to deal with the bipolar sickzoeffective disorders that I have. Irony. To night to make myself feel better from taking uppers I'm taking downers. I'm so worried about my sober life. If it is even a new life I'm really starting. Or these pills might just be a way to sudate the real drugs and alcohol addictions I have. OMG what if I'm just on these pills just like the pills since 12. I hope to one day be free of drugs and alcohol and pills. not for mental health or weight or head achs or anything.

Yesterday I tried talking to my dad. It went horriably wrong. He accused me doing things I didn't do and said it was because I was drinking. I hung up on him. He can keep my grandma's car I don't really want it. I want respect. They treat me like I'm the crazy one who is a bad sheep. Well they won't be apart of my life anymore since they do not know how to respect it. I don't even know if I've turned into this person because of them treating me like this. its like shit. it gets on you and it sinks and gets everywhere. It's almost imossible to get it off or at least the smell. Well I have to go. Its been real.