I think I'm doing these amends letters wrong.  I keep writing about how the relationships are to far apart and what the other person is doing wrong to keep the relationship.  That I need space because I need to focus on my sobriety.  I don't think NOT having family and relationships will make it harder to be sober.  Maybe some of the relationships are taking up to much energy to keep up.  But I should try first and let them know that I can not keep the relationship if it stays the way it is.  I think some of them think they are better than me or that I am to unstable to hold on to.  Thats all I have to say. I just wanted to come out side and do something.

I guess I can write about getting out of here. I'm getting used to top ramen and something like calm peacefulness with water.  I've suffered having less.  I might be surprised in my apartment and have enough to live a active drama free life.  I can't see how.  I'm am kind of attracted to the problems.  I feel good. Over all I feel good. A bit of a tummy ache and worry about these relationships.  I want to say I don't know how to keep a relationship now that I am sober. Only to say I'm not happy with the current one and I wish for it to change. Being sober now makes me feel anything is possible. Maybe we can try when I am stronger. It's not just about me but if those I feel are exhausted with trying we should take a break. I will be upset if they feel that way. But I know what they mean. I want to say "its not you its me I can't believe what I've lost. And in more weakness I don't what to loose anymore".  We don't exchange holiday cards birthday gifts or small conversations of how are you doing.  I have to read about it on facebook and I don't get any information. I'm no different then some distant person that is random.  Its not real to me. The most I can say is I'm strong enough to say its not working out.  

I have about three weeks to go in this program.  I am having a good day.  A day were I realize that being here is not the problem.  I'm lazy.  It's happened over the years.  I used to be a real go getter, but it was fueled by drinking. And becoming lazy happened from drinking as well.  I have so much on being sober.  All my hopes and fears are run by my sobriety.   I really don't know how to talk to these people. accept to say were family, and I don't want to know you but I'll try because I feel I have to.  I wish I had some help. Like therapist. The therapist I have now says I should write the letters and not send them.  She's right.  I might feel different after being sober for a while.  

So the trick in staying sober is being active.  I'm trying to calm my life down. Which is not being active. I fear being active. I fear being board.  I'm hoping that I can find a kind of self peace. If there is such a thing. I am aware of inner peace but I think I'm more about self then inner or outer experiences.  If I can find some kind of peace to self then I will calm down kind of like a hippy and be ok with my life slower then it used to be.  I'm not comparing it to anyone else anymore just my own.  Like I said I used to be really active. Now I'm hoping to be really calm.  Maybe I can be active with out alcohol.  But how?