Be down for your girl.  Its like a drama period. Get it period.  Yeah I just got my period and always before I get my period I have drama.  ok this is stupid. But it's all I go.  I feel so OMG right now. there are no words.  I should be getting my place in about 3 weeks. I don't know what I'm doing with this sober shit. I just know I'M STAYING SOBER and trying to stay sober.  I'll do anything to stay sober because I think drugs and alcohol have be the reason my life is messed up.  It started with pills. When I was 12 I was pushed face first into a three.  I started getting really bad headachs and had to take pills for them.  I watched my mom take pills and I because confused about taking pills. The headachs were really bad and the medicaine I was given wasn't working so I would go into my moms room and take hand fulls of her pills.  I wouldn't swollow them. I would take them into my room and take them a few at a time. But I noticed I felt diffferent.  I was about 14 when I begain my first addiction to pain pills.by 16 I was fucked!  I had fights, secrets, and sucide attempts.  Stealing was the next drug that actually started when I was about 12 too.  But in my late teens after a sucided attempt, hospitization, frist job and new school I really started stealing.  I would steal form my jobs and all over the mall.  Lucky I guess I never go caught for it.  So in my early 20's. about 19 to 20, I started drugs.  I had, had a little pot in my late teens and a little alcohol but at a adult 18 and over I was ready for drugs.  I had a lot of LSD, pot, extascy, and of course drinks when I could.  When I turned 21 my father took me to the bar he went to when I would get off from work.  I got so drunk.  I'll never for get that night. the morbid memory I even have of it. 

Its funny because now I take pills for life. I'm on prescription meds to deal with the  bipolar sickzoeffective disorders that I have.  Irony. To night to make myself feel better from taking uppers I'm taking downers.  I'm so worried about my sober life. If it is even a new life I'm really starting.  Or these pills might just be a way to sudate the real drugs and alcohol addictions I have.  OMG what if I'm just on these pills just like the pills since 12.  I hope to one day be free of drugs and alcohol and pills.  not for mental health or weight or head achs or anything. 

Yesterday I tried talking to my dad.  It went horriably wrong. He accused me doing things I didn't do and said it was because I was drinking. I hung up on him. He can keep my grandma's car I don't really want it. I want respect. They treat me like I'm the crazy one who is a bad sheep.  Well they won't be apart of my life anymore since they do not know how to respect it. I don't even know if I've turned into this person because of them treating me like this. its like shit. it gets on you and it sinks and gets everywhere. It's almost imossible to get it off or at least the smell. Well I have to go. Its been real.