Lately the women here in treatment have been fucking up. Today Veronica came to me and told me her and Gloria drank on there pass. and Karen got her nipples pirced (sp) I mean I'm sitting here in my room with coffee but I'm not out there drinking and breaking the big rules. They keep telling me like I'm trust worthy, and its making me so tired. between trying to stay sober and my mental health problems I can handle keeping secerets from staff about these women. Sometimes I just want to give up.

On another sad note, I was talking to myself today.  I can't remember is it was the good kind of self talk or the bad kind. (like crazy people do). I was walking back to the house and I started to cry. I was upset because I have suffered so much in the last 18 years and I'm in court ordered treatment so I count now. Anyway I tried to tell myself that shortly after college and the army I got sick with a mental illness and its been hard because I've wan't to drink and do drugs. That if I didn't want to drink and do drugs I might be able to get control of my life. Its funny because I only have one hospitalization between birth and 25, and one arrest. From 21 when I was able to start drinking ( I started drugs at about 20 ) so from about 20 to 25 I was able to function. thats only a (rocky) 5 years. In five years of drugs and alcohol I ruined my mental health for life and caused myself suffering for the last 18 years. 

I'm depressed. like always I plan to sleep threw the weekend. On a good note I'm 501 days sober AND we've started working on my apartment for when I complete the program. It just pisses me off to try so hard and others are fucking up. Pissed is the only feeling I'll let myself feel because I DON'T WANT TO FUCK UP MYSELF!!!! I have to go.  I do feel better. but soon I'll be going in cirlces. at least i got it all off my chest. 

Oh an update on the Bitch Roslyn. So she's saying I owe her money and she gave me money.  I think she's really sick, and she needs help. I just ignore the bitch. I think it gets to her but fuck it. I'm going just fine with things this way. 

So I'm tired, not sleep but tired. I also think its important to stay single.