So I stayed in the program for two years.  When I first got here I found a way to drink.  I had to shots of Jack Daniels on a conner. I thought this was going to be easy.  I got in touch with my sister and she told me that I was getting money from my grandmother passing away.  No amount of money really could replace her but I was excited to get such a large amount.  I had never had so much money.  I was told that I almost didn't get it.  

I realized then that my family didn't like me.  Maybe they loved me but they didn't like me. They wanted the money over seeing me get my share.  After that I didn't really give a fuck about my family. I still don't.  They treat me like a black sheep. And to my surprise maybe I am.  I never would have thought with all the high school events and accompishments I would be so bad.  I guess I'm different. I have to do things my way.  They all have jobs and houses and families and I'm childless homeless and on social security.  

But it was my very own family that accused me of molesting a kid when i was a kid myself.  I've come to a place of peace about this.  I was a child myself when I touched another kid out of sexual curiosity.  I was seven and he was eight.  I got in trouble then and I couldn't believe my family would punish me again lieing to each other and talking about me. 

anyway. My Birthday. Its coming up on September 14th. I'll be 43. I feel like crap when i think of how bad my family makes me feel.  They sometimes have seemed like just people to me.  Its ok. I can make it on my own or with different support. I just don't know where I am going to find it. Maybe AA. They seem to support each other pretty well.  All you have to do to be in is stay sober. Easier then its sounds. I have nothing left for this program I'm in.  I write everyday stressing that I'm different, from what I don't know, but just better.  I guess they do put me down.  Or maybe I put myself down.  I wrote letters to my family.  I don't think I should mail them.  Your supposed to be in the 12 step program to "work the program", and I just wrote letter. I kind of wrote a hate letter to my cousin.  I really don't like her. She has always treated me mean and she acts like she's better than me. 

I hope the best for me.  I see it as paying my due's to get a better life.  Well sometimes I see myself as a looser who needs to learn her lesson.  But it would be fair if I could get up and in getting up get to a better level.  But for what to make my family proud. Who cares what they think. Its trying to make them like me when they do the most talking about each other that has made me feel bad.  

My cousin bugs me the most.  Everyone has shown that they are not perfect, but she is so stuck up and never acts like she has done anything wrong. I want to tell her so bad that I don't like her, but I think it's just a waist of time. Sure it might make her cry, but then what. I think it's better to just avoid her and keep the letter. If she tries to contact me I might send it so I can have an understanding with her. That I don't want a relationship with her. She makes me feel bad. She has made me feel bad since we where kids.