I'm listening to clubbed to Death from The Matrix soundtrack. I get so caught up in the way things look to do the things I need to do. I want to exercise so bad. I'm kind of afraid to because I go into psyhocsis and mania and its hard to get out of. I think I'll ask the doctor what should I do about it. Right now I just rest a lot and day dream. Kind of meditate/daydream/envision living my life. Its not bad. I listen to different kinds of music to keep me motivated because it gets boring. So I'm feeling kind of good.  I think the meds are working. We went up on the Lamictal. and by 50mg. Its also an antidepressant. I feel up and ready a bit tired and lazy but full of thought to handle what ever comes my way. 

I'm dating again.  Only on a website called match.com. I've met someone on that website before and it went really well. I'm just kind of getting back in the water with this web site. I think if I marry someone we would have to have met in person. Plus I don't think while i'm in this program I can really meet anyone. 

I think of all the money I waisted. I probably blew about $2000 of my inheritance trying to live with money now. But I did put some away so I will be ok. Ugh I'm finally over my rag. I never know what to talk about in my blog. 

As I become more sober I find, with my head injury I'm doing things twice. Must have learned that when I was suffering from the head injury.  I didn't have a memory for over 20 years. And I was able to get threw college and the Army National Guard. It was after I left the Guard it all started to fall apart.  So I'm filing for preservice disablitiy. (sp)

I have 121 days left if this program.I can do this and I can stay sober after I get out. This one girl gave me a real sobering moment. She did five years in jail and she still has to do this two year program.  She said " one night I was drinking and I got into my car just to go around the block to get some more alcohol and ended up in jail for three years of her life."

A real sobering experience for me. 

Aww what can I write about now. How much I miss my dog. The end of suffering? How to not be lazy? What is meditation? I'm filled with information and with my head injury and my emotional problems I don't know how to express it. But its getting better. I wonder what job I end up in. I want to dive my own destiny but I think I'll drink if I am in control to much. Some of it has to be hope. 

Ugh $250,000 in student loans. I'm going to get that forgiven even if it takes 40 years. Theres no way I can pay that back. It really was my disorder which really did kick in after leaving the Army.  I just have to get some support.  even if I cant work for three years and I'm feeling better because my meds are working thats two much money for me. 

I lost some weight on the apple cider vinegar.  In a week I'm going to buy two bottles of it and try to do this detox. I've been thinking of just taking the apple cider vinegar tablets when I get out of here and not the hydroxiecut.  The hydroxiecut might make me manic and cause me to drink. I don't want to take anything that will mess up my balance if I find one while I'm here. Its all due to alcoholism but I take the meds because the bipolar manic changes are two strong to deal with. I wonder how they relate to alcohol. I see how the depression is connected to the alcohol, but the mania doesn't make any since. Ok here we go. 

"Alcohol is known to intensify bipolar disorder due to its sedating effects. it acts similarly to some medications, risking feelings of depression with each swig of alcohol.  Alcohol also greatly INCREASES THE SEVERITY OF MANIA, WHICH MANY WHO SUFFER FROM BIPOLAR FIN EXTREMELY PLEASURABLE. 

So its like hydroxiecut. It gets me high before it brings me down. And with mania the drunk high takes me me up to high.  It looks like I would also go through highs and lows to fast to the the top and bottom where I'm up and maybe wanting to do more and two much and low where I could become suicidal. 

A head injury made worse by the Army and so I can't live the same as I would want to live. Thats ok you know. Because the universe is full of things to fill my life up with.  I just gotta find them. 

I'm not tired but this blog has gotten a bit long. I might come back and write more in a bit. 

thanks for stopping by and remember. IMMORTAL LOUNGE.

LOVE,

DAYSEND