I'm becoming more clear about my life. I took a few steps back, well I had to, get to that in a moment. Anyways I went looking for ex - relationships. I don't know why.  I have only a few I look for. And a few i don't even try. But yesterday I found one. His name is Jermale and we were married for about 10 years. Well we stayed together in the marriage for about 1 year then I left him to finish school. while I was finishing school and we were still married he married someone else. Well since thats against the law his 2nd marriage wasn't legal. I didn't mind much of any of it. The one thing Jermale and I had in common was we were players. We pretty much had a open marriage and it was a friendship really.  If anything I miss having him as a player friend. someone who understood I don't mean to cheat but I am desired so I do. That doesn't work in a relationship with each other. ugh. 

Anyways he's still fine as hell. and for the record he was great in bed. but I already told you why it didn't work out. He had all the perks so I did the leaving. I don't think he would have left me but he would have cheated. A lot. 

four long or short months left of this treatment program. It depends on the day. I wouldn't mind being friends with Jermale but he's right we would end up in bed together. I'm such a naughty girl. He's now married with 3 kids. One of them looks a little special ed. I would have given him a son. hahaha but enough of the digging threw the past. I'm getting my memories back from staying sober. I can't help but to see if some of these relationships are worth keeping. I know I shouldn't most of them lead me to drinking and some of them all I did was stay high or drunk in the relationship. Still I wonder if those people have really good lives. Like Jermale who looks happy but out of place in his life. Its like he didn't even try he just grabbed a girl who wouldn't leave. With me he looked like a million dollar man. god if I'm this caught up I should stop digging. before I get to one who looks really happy. 140 long days till I'm out of this bitch. My body doesn't ache as bad today and some how I have lost weight. Just lost it. I don't even know where it wend since I haven't done anything to lose it. 

I'm getting my first check from book sales. its ........ Naw I won't say. Buts its something. 140 days better go by fast now that I'm blogging more. I just remember I made this website while I was homeless. I have the password so I don't have to use my hotspot anymore and I'm thinking about all the movies I could watch if I had the attention span. hahahaha. I'm listening to the weeked. Funny he doesn't put the n in his name. anyways stupid shit really. 

Yeah it looks like I'm moving in with mom. If I have to go to another program after this I will scream. Its not that bad but its my freedom. When I look at my life I get excited that I wrote a book. its like being homeless was a phase or something because I came off of it and wrote a book.  I wasn't playing that something will be in my hands that I can part with and keep my home. I've heard that somewhere before.  I can't believe my mother wont stop trying to get me in this shit business idea. I try to tell her no and she just acts like she doesn't hear me and ask again. If she thinks I'm going to buy this stuff she's off her rocker. Well I wasn't writing to down the people I love I guess I'm just heartless.