They say the good die young.  The women on my mom's side of the family and one auntie on my fathers side have been passing way at a early age. I still don't have a lot of followers so I'm going to go a head and blog my feelings. I think if I don't stop drinking I might die young. I think my mother is a good women. Ok if you read my blogs you know how I feel about my mom.  Its a trigger when I call her mother. damn pulled the trigger again.

Ok. lets see. I'm 42 years old and I don't have a job.  I've been to college and the military and because of my drinking I've been un able to hold any ... well really anything. not a relationship a job, a home, all of my things. I've lost it all even my freedom to drinking.  But nothing bothers me more then hearing my mom talk.  She sounds so upset. I mean pissed.  And Pissed at ever thing and everybody.  I'm sure she hates me and just wont say it. Then I think of my father. He had one thing bad happen. Well not one thing but something bad. My mother left he for another man. he was upset and still hates her but he has moved on.  My mom doesn't seem to move on from shit. She bitches about the same shit all the time.  She's pissed at least 3 times a year and I mean at least. And the reasons if you think thats low are off of what one would be pissed about.  I'm saying if a person were to get upset 10x a year and thats about normal she gets mad at least 3x's more then the normal. As long as I don't have to live with her I can handle it. I can't handle living with her.  I told her that I have to stay in Callie for a year so she would stop asking me to more in with her. She left us for another man.  She didn't just leave my dad she left all of us.  And I don't mean it like I'm attached to my father and feel some kind of way about it. She told us to not talk to her because she had a new life and we were not a part of it.  She left us.  I'm sure if she could have flowers in the atticted us she would have for that man. Then karma is a bitch he left her. Now we stay away from getting hurt again not her. And she did it to me again.  I told her I would move in with her and she moved in with my sister with out even telling me or telling my sister she had plans to move in with me. Its like she has to be fucking someone over or she's not happy. There I said it. I think because i stop drinking I could be ok from the fact that she is my mother and apart of my blood. I pray I have more since then her. 

On another note dating is going kind of good. I've met a few men on line and they seem interesting and interested. Still planning my sologemy wedding. with my one black woman cake topper. hahahaha.  I had a dream of my ex, well two of my ex's.  Good men. But I couldn't stand the cheating and the fake lifestyle. I don't think I'm better then I was I know I am. and I think I mean ever. I'm thinking of becoming a travel agent.  It doesn't pay much, about $50,000 a year. BUT 1 that more then I've ever made and 2 thats more then I'm making now. So I wouldn't know anything but happieness from it.  I like that. I have 118 days left of this program and I am so ready to get out of here. I'm signed up to take start your own business course and I'm thinking about taking a travel agent course with it while I have so much money.  Its not a lot The way I send it. maybe I'll wait. I can afford it. Now should I do it. I think I should. after I would have to take a marketing course and then I could start applying for jobs in the travel industry. I forgot I was blogging almost wrote some thing a little to ... never mind. I'm so ready to be out of here. 

I really have to quit drinking.  I think its the reason both my mom and dad suffer and still hate each other.  I mean they have been apart longer then they were together why do they else would they still suffer. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family. That means this is a hard one. I have tears running down my eyes as I type this. Not real tears but tears never the less.  They come from somewhere. and I imagine emotions that I am just starting to process.  Plues I realize, when my family doesn't that just like my mom left i left out to do it ALL ON MY OWN.  I did leave them I was planning on letting them know when I got my life together but that never happened. So I guess it's not the  same. I'm listening to classical and it just takes me away. I really makes everything better. 

So not sure how to quit drinking or if I even can but I'm going to try. TRY HARD! I feel so unstable and emotional. I don't know why I wonder when I already know the answer is stop drinking and doing drugs. I can't focus without my eyes burning but that could be that I just need glasses. I'm sure I need to quit drinking, I not sure how I'm going to do it.