I need a shower, oh wait thats the pop corn downstairs. LOL. I'm listening to my favorite ASMR artist and I am trying to relax. My mom has me on one. She's not writing and what she has written does not make any since. I'm thirsty for a drink tonight. I'm thirsty for a drink all the time. So looking at my life I need to look at the whole self to feel its broken. other wise I don't think being broken is anything different then my life as a whole. enlightenment some would say, but like most I have to take the long path. When I was a kid I pulled out an adult tooth. This could be a good thing for me, or it could mean at a early age I became self distructive. I don't think it is the latter. because I put the tooth under my pillow. I guess I needed help and the only one I trusted was the non-parental tooth fairy. I did expect her to come and give me a lot of money, the kind a adult could live off of. but she didn't. I think thats when I started caring about money. but thats not the point. The point is I was alone. All Alone. and doing something for myself. Even if it was bad dental work I was taking matters into my own hands and changing my life. Wow either tonight I can't spell or I'm hard on for the big words. anyway. I could forget every thing accept this, because in pulling out my own tooth I took my life in my own hands. Its how I got my memory back, I'm sure of it. Its how I am somewhat whole right now writing this. 

Well I'm done with another day of this program. Only 133 days left. 95 if I only count the weekdays and not the weekends. And tomorrows Friday. Yeah. Tiffany has a group planned for us like were special ed students. She calls us Girls not Ladies. I think there is something wrong with her or she's just a bitch and a under achiever. Most likely the Latter. So I'm smarter then my mom and more disapline then my dad, with my own problems under my pillow I might be able to handle them. I never could really see my life as needing to be "turned around" or " lifted up" but I do see it as needing to be put back together.  I feel broken. wondering how to work as a adult when I don't believe in them. 

Sometimes I see myself as Melonie, one of my old therapist. She had a house and people came to it to do therapy with her. There's two many crazy people in the world to do that. But I think about it and wish I could have a nice little home and I could work out of it. She was a good therapist too. I was able to make space from my mom and grow a little bit. So something on my mind is were am I going to live when I leave here. I leave in four months and this place has me set up to move into a apartment. I get a voucher for life that makes my rent only 30% of my income. Or I could move in with my mom. Witch takes up my whole check and seems, for lack of the right words, fucking emotionally nuts. Its not that living with a parent is a problem its that living with my mom is a problem. Why I'm even considering it, I don't know. I should be meditating on leaving here, maybe a bit later then I want and being ok with that. By my birthday this year, witch is 8 months away I should be in my OWN apartment. 

I don't know about becoming a massage therapist. My fingers get numb and they ache already. And I haven't even signed up for any schools yet. Like I said I see myself in a home office with books and a couch and I have patients that come in and sit on the couch and they tell me about themselves. I don't think I'm a strong enough person of that. God what can I do for work.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want a drink so bad. I know I am going to relaps or how ever you spell it. No my mom is going to get Karma on this one I am going to take the apartment. I know it. I'm not that stupid. or at least not anymore. I keep looking at myself and thinking about all the ways I've promised to be there for myself. I'm tired. I need more energy.  Its not just my weight its my heart. it feels heavy with past stories and problems that have been fixed. So why do I carry it around, because its my heart. Like sponge I don't know how to ring out its full of bad blood. I don't let me down though. I keep believing in being sober, even though it came from treatment and not for my own being. I didn't choose to be sober I got locked up and had to be. But of all the things I could be doing I try to get sober. I think if I stay sober work will come to me like being a security guard.  I need to meditate. I NEED TO MEDITATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least i listen to ASMR. It totally relaxes me. I have a low self esteam how ever you spell it. But these are my problems my mom, my career, my family, my drinking disorder, my mental health. I hate my mom.  there I said it. I really do. She's so self disturctive and self centerend it's like watch 911. two planes to buildings a big mess. She thinks only about herself. I can't do it. She says she needs five thousand dollars now, I have three and I feel so good that I've saved this little bit of money and she turns it into dept. I won't do it. I won't go back to not having enough that money is going to sit there. and thats that. God I hate this. she makes it like it is so fucked up. when its just her it doesn't have to be us.My dad works in the $100,000's and figures things out. She makes this shit so hard. I know she is thinking about using my money well to bad mom I'm taking the apartment. 

I think I'm good for myself, some what. some what bad for myself. I compared myself to a hour glass how many peaces should I break into to get my life right. or maybe the beach just scattered all over the place for other people to always walk on. I can draw an fucked up hour glass and a even more fucked up beach, but then I draw kitsugi, and the yin yang. and I feel better. like I have a dark side. I cant even see in it. and I'm learning to live in it. That would be perfect. to live in my dark side. then I could be a... well what do I want to be.  I want to be happy. happy with darkness happy with light, just happy. what ever works. I like Kitsugi, you break the bowl the whole and I did I broke my tooth, my adult tooth and you put it back together with gold, sliver or maybe even platnum.  I could see smoking and drinking and my blog is gone because I've gone back to jail. sighs. I'm around another bitch as member of this program. but I did it I wrote it like I feel. I could get use to this. Maybe I'll stick to smoking. My moms a pot head my dads a drunk and I smoke cigerttes.  I just cant see me being some how perfect or whole. I PULLED OUT THAT TOOTH. Thats all I need. Need to put together my whole life, now how do I want to put it together. Holistic healing, kitsugi, yin yang. or all three. stright Denial. junkies, in here. and I am no better. BITCH. likely am one. Well I'm right drinking and smoking is my fix. I don't have much to say when I get to have a drink and a smoke. like a baby that stops crying. 

Daysend