They say that when your becoming sober sometimes you have to say goodbye to the ones you love.  they were right.

i'm so hurt right now.  I can't believe this is happening. I am so pissed.  I think in order to stay sober I have to leave people in my family alone. I can't even write about it right now.

I think I'm doing these amends letters wrong.  I keep writing about how the relationships are to far apart and what the other person is doing wrong to keep the relationship.  That I need space because I need to focus on my sobriety.  I don't think NOT having family and relationships will make it harder to be sober.  Maybe some of the relationships are taking up to much energy to keep up.  But I should try first and let them know that I can not keep the relationship if it stays the way it is.  I think some of them think they are better than me or that I am to unstable to hold on to.  Thats all I have to say. I just wanted to come out side and do something.

I guess I can write about getting out of here. I'm getting used to top ramen and something like calm peacefulness with water.  I've suffered having less.  I might be surprised in my apartment and have enough to live a active drama free life.  I can't see ... Read more »

To be honest I'm just writing because I have nothing else to do.  Here I am spilling my guts over the internet because I know nobody will read it anyway.  I have nothing to do. This program is almost over and I do, I want out.  I've blogged, wrote a book, had my loans written off, played games, watched the same movies over and over again, listened to the same songs over and over again, and blogged some more.  I even had my own successfull business. I have to go. There is nothing left in me today. 

So I stayed in the program for two years.  When I first got here I found a way to drink.  I had to shots of Jack Daniels on a conner. I thought this was going to be easy.  I got in touch with my sister and she told me that I was getting money from my grandmother passing away.  No amount of money really could replace her but I was excited to get such a large amount.  I had never had so much money.  I was told that I almost didn't get it.  

I realized then that my family didn't like me.  Maybe they loved me but they didn't like me. They wanted the money over seeing me get my share.  After that I didn't really give a fuck about my family. I still don't.  They treat me like a black sheep. And to my surprise maybe I am.  I never would have thought with all the high school events and accompishments I would be so bad.  I guess I'm different. I have to do things my way.  They all have jobs ... Read more »

Aww where do I start today.  Another day no free. What to do with myself. Maybe sobriety. No matter where I start my birthday is coming up.  I wish I was excited about it. In truth I kind of am. My father says that he might come out to Long Beach if I am there to see me.  The women here at the program say that they will throw me a birthday party if I visit.  I might spend my birthday alone if I don't plan anything.  

I'm so sick of this twitch I have.  When I was getting off the streets I went to stay at a house.  There were men everywhere.  The kept trying to have sex with me.  Because of my drinking I finally said yes.  One night two different men offered my rocks of crack.  I had never do it before.  But I was trying to keep up with what was going on around me.  I thought I saw a TV show about cocaine being on of the drugs that created immortality.  Being so in to that idea I took one of th ... Read more »

They say when your trying to become sober sometimes you have to let go of the ones you LOVE to make it.  I thought when I started my new life as a sober person I was going to be able to hold on to everyone.  I'm learning that is not the case. It's not just because of alcohol that I am letting go of people, I feel there have been toxic people in my life that I've held on to and I never liked it. I guess a part of me want to cut everybody off so I can let go easier. Filtering through the people I love and deciding to cut some off is really hard. 

I guess I am really going to try to be sober. If I'm willing to cut off the one's I love to do something then it must be pretty important. And if I fail at becoming sober I'll just try again. I won't run back to those people who make me feel bad, because they will just make me feel bad that I have failed. 

What I need now is a strong support system. On that I can depend on.  ... Read more »

I'll start this blog off with this is me saying good by to Codependency.  I can not do this anymore. Get into these one sided relationships where one person is thriving and the other person is suffering.  So It's very important to SAY GOOD BYE TO CODEPENDENCY!

Now on to these good by letter.  I feel like I've been a strong person for other people who have forgotten that they need to also take care of me back.  My Dad, my mom, and a few others in my family are really the root of this.  I'll start with my Dad.

Dear Dad,

I feel you have leaned on me enough.  Your always telling me I need to get my self together but I watch you drink and as your child I feel I have no one to really look at to understand what that means.  I'm taking a space from you no to "get my life together" but to stop you from tearing it down anymore. You drinking has taken a toll on this relationship and I can ... Read more »

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. ... It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.