the apartment will not be ready until next month. I am trying to go to las vegas for the month because it sucks being here.  I have been doing a lot of work on the self.  I have put together a dodecagon to build structure and given myself 12 points of commitments to achieve every year.  there are 12 months witch fits into the dodecagon nicely. 

I figure I am a leader because it is one of the only ways to understand why I am able to get sober and hopefully stay sober out of a lot of other people, specially my family. none of them are sober, NONE ! Here in treatment I am the only one who doesn't think going back to my lifestyle is a good idea.  I walk and self talk to get threw to myself what I MUST do.

so they are (letting)( i hate that part) me go to Las vegas for 3 weeks.  Its good because I'm done with this place, in more ways then one. but what will i do with my mom for 3 weeks.  she's a piece of work herself.&nb ... Read more »

I have another day to fill.  It's not the women, it's not the place, it's the freedom.  I gotta get outta here. I know I'm going to be board in my apartment.  I know I am.  So being board now is something I have to deal with.  But I can walk out side and I won't have some staff babysitting me. I'll write more later.

So in here (house arrest) we are not aloud to have some items such as coffee, drugs, and alcohol.  me and a few other girls sneak in fat burners.  We call them magic sticks so we can talk about them and pass them to each other. I take about 2 a day to help me stay up threw the day.  We also sneak a jar of coffee in, in a decaf bottle.  So far we haven't been caught. And nobody reads my blogs anyway so I figured it was a safe place to get it out.  

They say when you hold shit in thats when it goes bad.  So I'm venting and I feel better.  Any way me and Ambre (her name is pronounced Amber) took 3.  We just tried a 30 minute work out.  But because we both smoke we only made it to 10 minutes. Ok I just threw up.  I through up almost everyday. I'm sure it's because of the magic sticks...They mix with my meds (thats a whole nother blog) and make me toss chunks.  Any way just need something to do.  ... Read more »

staying sober is going to take a lot of work.  At least I have my mind made up.  I just like the feeling of being drunk, but the good news is I'm starting to like being sober. to hard to type today. I just got my nails done, but thanks foe checking in. peace.

so they say another way to do this online website is to focus on just One item. so It put me $150 in the whole to reopen my store and I did. And I kind of did by mistake. I went to open my store and they charged my card.  Sucks but I love the idea of having my own business. It's going to cost me about $200 total. fucked like always. 

My eyes always bug me. Like I already told you, I wrote letters to my family trying to clear things up, the did not go well. On another note I have figured out a few things to do when I get to long beach.  Meetings and volinteering in the lgbtq community.  going to AA meetings.  I have a few hotlines that i can call.  

Here is the plan It's going to take about 5 years to get my apartment where I want it to be.  I figure next month I'll by some big but non-expenisve items about $50 dollars.  Then to handle my food I'll by appitite surpressents, and a load of top ramen.  Its ... Read more »

I tried to talk to my family about my sobriety it id not go well.  Well my sister and I are the worst.  I've blocked all most all of my dads side for telling this lie.  I don't know if its the lie or the label of some crazy person that is really hurting the most.  I tried to explain it to my sister. If you call me crazy i believe it if you don't I dont here it so I i don't believe it.  Know what I mean.

I'm like some black sheep when they drink and have anger problems, codepentdent issues the who nine.  I just get tried of it.  I get tired of defending my life and mental heath to a bunch of disfuctional people.  They are perfect, but they compare themselves to me to make themselves feel better and it puts me down.  Maybe after being sober longer I will know how to say what it is I am trying to say.

On to finding things to do in my new neigerborhood.  I've assured that I will be moving at t ... Read more »

Wow, today is my birthday and boy do I feel special.  See I live in a treatment house for now (I'm getting my new place in two weeks) and I never would have thought that the women here could be so nice to me.  Likewise on facebook I've received some really nice birthday wishes.  

You see we are forced to live here together.  We don't have a choice.  Its a two year rehab program, after which we get our own apartments to start our new lives.  We are lucky. The lucky ones who are being saved from the problems of life that maybe we didn't even cause.  Some people get into trouble and never get the chance we are getting.  

So... like I said we are here together not by our own will, and heres the rub, we like each other.  This really makes me feel good, because besides having to live with me, they also went out of there way to show me a really nice birthday.  I wish you could see this place.  ... Read more »

Be down for your girl.  Its like a drama period. Get it period.  Yeah I just got my period and always before I get my period I have drama.  ok this is stupid. But it's all I go.  I feel so OMG right now. there are no words.  I should be getting my place in about 3 weeks. I don't know what I'm doing with this sober shit. I just know I'M STAYING SOBER and trying to stay sober.  I'll do anything to stay sober because I think drugs and alcohol have be the reason my life is messed up.  It started with pills. When I was 12 I was pushed face first into a three.  I started getting really bad headachs and had to take pills for them.  I watched my mom take pills and I because confused about taking pills. The headachs were really bad and the medicaine I was given wasn't working so I would go into my moms room and take hand fulls of her pills.  I wouldn't swollow them. I would take them into my room and take them a fe ... Read more »